Steve Warshak gets 'hard' time

Steve Warshak, founder of the company responsible for "Enzyte," has been sentenced to 25 years in prison and ordered to pay a fine of $93,000. U.S. District Judge S. Arthur Spiegel also ordered the company, along with other defendants, to forfeit more than $500 million that it bilked from consumers.

Apparently the company, in addition to it's ludicrous claims and idiotic commercials, made unauthorized charges to people's credit cards, and made it next to impossible to get their money back. They even required people to get a notarized statement from a doctor attesting to the fact that their shlong is still small in order to get a refund.

More interesting to me is the very fact that they were able to get the $500,000,000 in the first place. I wonder if there is a correlation or causative effect between little willies and utter stupidity? Look people, you deserve to be scammed out of 500 mil because you are morons.

Use some simple common sense. The penis is tissue, specifically three different types of tissue. You don't need to be a doctor for it to occur to you that it is illogical for a pill to target and enlarge a specific bunch of non-unique cells and not others. How does the stuff in the pill know where to go? Are there steroids that will make only your biceps bigger, but leave the rest of your muscles alone? A drug that will improve the eyesight in only your left eye? According to their website it "increases blood flow" not with any rare and magical extract but with ginseng and gingko...pretty generic stuff you can get at Wal Mart way cheaper and have been used by Chinese for centuries. If it worked as advertised, wouldn't well-hung Asians be a common stereotype instead of, ahem, the opposite? If this "increased blood flow" made your penis bigger why would it not also make every muscle in your body bigger as well? Why aren't athletes snapping this stuff up like hotcakes instead of buying Andro and HGH in the locker room, getting kicked out of sports and going to jail with shrunken testicles, anger management issues, and bacne?

I read posts and comments about this case on the various news sites and the defense for believing this tripe seems to boil down to the fact that their commercials were professionally done and appeared in prime time (and still do, for some inexplicable reason). The fact that the Enzyte people can afford commercials in prime time is indisputable proof that there is a virtual army of insecure, little-peckered Kool-Aid drinkers in this country plagued by a horrific case of the dumbass. Each one thinking: "Surely if it's on TV it must be true!", "Even though it has never been tested by either the FDA or any third party, that doesn't mean it doesn't work!", "Look at Bob in his Santa outfit, I bet he's getting laid all the time by that twitchy ho that looks like a guppy!", or quite possibly "If only I had as big a tool as I am!"

The fact is that modern Americans are a collection of pill-poppers, and honestly believe that if you're fat, stupid, ugly, can't last in bed, weak, feel bad about yourself or have body odor all you have to do is ingest chemicals by the handful and it will make life all better for you. I saw a vanity plate on a car that said 'Viagra Man' the other day. Wow, you pop pills to get your little peepee working? That's COOL! I wish I had erectile dysfuction!

These pharmaceutical companies should buy a license from PEZ to manufacture dispensers so the sheeple can spend their days rapid-firing crap into their bodies...crap that only 30 years ago nobody needed and got along just fine without. "Ooo, I take this because I have stress..." Gimme a break, ask somebody that lived through the Great Depression or the siege of Khe Sahn about friggin' "stress", then buy them a scotch and STFU because you're a douchebag.

Good grief.

At any rate, I guess it's just as well for ol' Steve that it doesn't work since his future cellmate, Smilin' Bubba, may have taken it. Being shafted by the long arm of the law may have been the least of his worries.