"Best in the World"

This seems mainly a U.S. thing, but has anyone noticed how many things are claimed to be "The Best in the World", when either:

1) Which one is "best" is a matter of opinion.

2) Nobody else is the world does it.

3) The speaker has neither tried or seen every example 'in the world' of what they're talking about.

or

4) There is absolutely no certifying body or panel of judges to support such a claim.




So, next time you hear that statement remember that it's more than likely bullshit.

Well, except for this being the best advertisement for planned parenthood in the world. You can take that one to the bank.

Stop the Madness

Though I came to the same conclusion independently, Maddox is right. These jeans with the faded stripe down the center of each leg are the most singularly idiotic garment since the 1980's Michael Jackson "Thriller" jackets with 50 bazillion zippers all over them.




Don't wear stupid things like this, as doing so should constitute a tacit request to be shot in the kneecaps with a major caliber firearm.

IM-speak and the Decline of the English Language

Real post on a martial arts bulletin board:

u can wear those tae kwon do shoes...

and there shouldnt be any weapons involved in a 100% tae kwon do dojang since its a punch and kick martial art

and it will make u very acrobatic if u practice it a lot

and when sparring most of the time people wear gears so its very very hard to injure a some1 so bad that u'll get kicked out

also if u r scared that u might screw up and people would laff at u practice it b4 joining such as roundhouse kick.

When I rule the world, stupid, lazy kids are going to get their computers confiscated and be locked for the remainder of their miserable existence in a cell with nothing more than a copy of the O.E.D. and Webster's vengeful ghost. Does anyone have even the vaguest notion of how moronic writing like this makes them sound?

Since the above example comes from a person in high school, I'll have to assume that neither capitalization nor punctuation is any longer taught. Or how to frame a logical or coherent thought in your cretinous head. Quick lesson: it capitalizes the first letter in a sentence and ends said sentence with some type of punctuation mark, or else it gets the hose again. To capitalize, find a key marked "Shift" at the lower left-hand corner of your keyboard. It may have a little arrow on it too. If your keyboard lacks this feature, I highly recommend having it outfitted with one in order to avoid sounding like a retarded toddler. It's very useful. The punctuation marks are located here and there, mostly to the left of the "Enter" key, but you will know them because they're all variations of little dots and lines. OK, so maybe you won't know them, but just put something at the end of the sentence so I know when to take a breath and/or slice my wrists open, dolt.

Next, what the hell is "u"? Y, O, and U are all found nearly right next to each other on a standard keyboard, and I measure that the center of the Y is precisely 2 1/4" from the center of the O key. Is it really such a chore to move your fat, Cheeto-powder encrusted digit a couple of inches in order to type out an actual word instead of bullshit?

Apostrophes are generally used to denote possessives and contractions. What's really funny is when they leave these out, yet make the effort to use one incorrectly to show plurality, as in the following example:

"Jims dog has three ball's"

"Some1", "u'll", "b4"? I just can't get how someone who is unwilling to put forth the minimal effort required to write correctly expects me to put forth the effort to read and comprehend their ridiculously bad authorship, not to mention endure the agony of scrubbing my eyes with turpentine in an effort to cleanse them of the stupidity of what they just read. Regardless of the content - say a Unified Field Theory, a plausible treatise on the true meaning of life, or a bulletproof paper on abiogenesis - if it's written like the post in yellow above the reader comes away saying to himself only one thing: "Damn, that guy's dumb."

Note to webmasters, mods, and admin: at the first "u r", "r u", "b4", or "sum1" you run across, simply delete the entire post. Trust me, it contains nothing of value.

The 'Information Age' and society as a Borg collective.

No, I'm not some kind of Star Trek geek, but I just don't get it. At what point in time did we decide, as human beings, that we cannot get along in life without being somehow electronically tethered to a bunch of other people? A couple of cases in point:

I've been eavesdropping on people's cell phone conversations. I figure, hey, if they care so little about privacy that they are going to babble into a little plastic device while I'm trying to watch a movie or enjoy what little peace and quiet I'm afforded then I'm well within my rights to listen to their idiotic mouth-squirts. And you know what, 99% of the conversations I've heard are 100% shit, falling roughly into one of the two categories below:

Absolute Shit

The overwhelming majority of spoken language, these are those conversations that are complete and utter fluff - as base, shallow, and irrelevant as humanly imaginable. The kind where if I was one of the conversants I would be forced to scream "Who gives a fuck?" at the top of my lungs.

Shit that could Wait Until Later

This is really the most annoying. If you see this same person every single day, why is it neccesary to call him in the middle of a Monday morning meeting to ask him what he's freaking doing on Saturday? Or to ask him if he can do something when he gets home, when you're also going to be home at that time? Why not just shut your silly skull-cave until you see him again?

Cell phones are great as emergency devices, for long trips away from home, or if you're some kind of executive that has to be reachable at any given time day or night. Or maybe a Viking. I've got one too somewhere, currently serving the valuable function of collecting dust or being a paperweight. But they are toys now. They need to be made insanely expensive again, or we need to discover and inject everyone with some kind of mutant gene that slowly degrades one's voice box in response to vibration so that people are limited to a set number of words they can speak in a lifetime.

People are amazed that I don't carry one of these damn things around. I've gotten along just fine for a few decades without one and don't see my world collapsing because I don't use one now. If you want to get a hold of me, call my house. If no one answers:

a) I'm not home and am probably doing something either more constructive or more amusing than listening to your verbal diarrhea.

or

b) I am home, but just don't want to talk to your ass.


People seem to have forgotten the simultaneously inalienable and enjoyable right to be simply left the hell alone. You honestly don't need someone giving you an aural enema every waking hour to be happy. Trust me on this.

Oh yeah, another case: The instant messenger programs. These are fine, but I just don't get the "random chat" thing. I used to get these when I was on ICQ. Some absolutely random person in fucking Belize or something pops up:

"Hi! Wanna chat?"

I'm like, "Who the hell are you, and why in God's name would I want to waste precious minutes of my life babbling to some nameless, faceless person from who-knows-where doing Christ-knows-what and who is probably an asshole to boot? Hell, I could be wasting the same amount of time typing stupid crap in some equally stupid blog that a whole bunch of nameless, faceless people are never going to read instead!"

Maybe I'm just anti-social.

Just what we need...

Another stupid weblog. But instead of a stupid online diary with mind-numbingly vapid entries like "Ate a fish sandwich today and tried to find my 'Hello Kitty' pencil box. Ryan's so cute LOL", I think instead I'm just going to make random posts about how stupid people are, stuff that's pretty cool, or whatever strikes my fancy at the time. I'll update it off and on when I feel like it, since it exists for my amusement. Not that anyone will read it anyway.

So there I am, driving to work, and pull up next to this idiotic shit at an intersection. After awhile, his car starts creeping forward while our light is still red, and it becomes apparent that he is watching the the lights for cross-traffic - the other people's lights. So, when their lights turn yellow he starts creeping forward in anticipation of our light turning green.

The problem with dorks like this is that they apparently have no concept of time, and that there is an interval between opposing lights turning yellow, then red, and an additional interval before ours turns green. So now the idiot is nearly completely out in the intersection - and is faced with two choices: he can continue to basically run the red light and be T-boned, or he can stop where he is and look like an asshole. He chooses the latter.

Now here's the important part. About a second after he stops, our light turns green. Now since he is in such a hurry you would think that he would stomp on it, but no. He sits there for like 5 seconds contemplating going, which results in me passing him right up despite the 4-foot head start on me he got by creeping through the red light. My only wish is that dorks like this would have more than 3 functional neurons in their idiotic skulls so that they could at least realize what utter morons they are. Much like those that cut me off in a big hurry and then proceed to drive 20 m.p.h. in a 45 m.p.h. zone, they should be clubbed to death. Stupid people should not be permitted to drive.